...is a bit scary because the last few months have been a little on the sad and broody side. I sorely underestimated what it would feel like the month our baby would have been due- which was late November on Thanksgiving. It was so juxtaposed. Everyone gearing up for the two holidays on the horizon, thinking of being with family and I felt like all I really wanted to talk about, beyond shallow topics, was how I missed my baby sometimes- it really feels out of place this time of year. I wanted to feel thankful. I wanted to feel love, joy and peace around the time we remember our King and when he was born and to remember captives can be set free. But I just missed my baby. It was as simple as that. I felt guilty about it sometimes like I was dwelling on the past... being selfish with my time when I zoned out and didn't want to do anything but read a book...or watch another episode of The Amazing Race (which for some reason made me feel like I was circumventing the globe discovering myself instead of sitting at home trying to plan the most simple dinner possible). After Thanksgiving, I really started to feel better, like I had really mucked my way out of the deep water and the sun was coming out...only the days just kept getting shorter unfortunately and I was reminded on the first cold day that winter was actually coming for real-and the sun was actually only out sometimes. I was driving home the other night alone in the car pondering why I can't shake the foggy cloud hanging around and was given the most precious mental picture.
I pictured the sky going dark in the middle of the day after Jesus died on the cross. I believe it happened and I believe it was more than just a thunder head moving in front of the sun. We are spiritual beings...making light of that doesn't remove the fact. When God separated himself from a part of himself... there was a time of darkness.
I don't know what that's like being a mortal, but I believe I'm made in the image of God and loosing an unborn baby feels like loosing a piece of yourself and is most definitely a break in communion with another soul. There is a time of darkness. Accepting that and not seeing it as a character flaw of mine was, and is, very settling.
Wishing you all a very very joy filled Christmas and looking forward to the New Year (and Spring)...