Tuesday, December 22, 2015

when clicking "new post"

...is a bit scary because the last few months have been a little on the sad and broody side.  I sorely underestimated what it would feel like the month our baby would have been due- which was late November on Thanksgiving.  It was so juxtaposed.  Everyone gearing up for the two holidays on the horizon, thinking of being with family and I felt like all I really wanted to talk about, beyond shallow topics, was how I missed my baby sometimes- it really feels out of place this time of year.  I wanted to feel thankful.  I wanted to feel love, joy and peace around the time we remember our King and when he was born and to remember captives can be set free.  But I just missed my baby.  It was as simple as that.  I felt guilty about it sometimes like I was dwelling on the past... being selfish with my time when I zoned out and didn't want to do anything but read a book...or watch another episode of The Amazing Race (which for some reason made me feel like I was circumventing the globe discovering myself instead of sitting at home trying to plan the most simple dinner possible).  After Thanksgiving, I really started to feel better, like I had really mucked my way out of the deep water and the sun was coming out...only the days just kept getting shorter unfortunately and I was reminded on the first cold day that winter was actually coming for real-and the sun was actually only out sometimes.  I was driving home the other night alone in the car pondering why I can't shake the foggy cloud hanging around and was given the most precious mental picture.

I pictured the sky going dark in the middle of the day after Jesus died on the cross.  I believe it happened and I believe it was more than just a thunder head moving in front of the sun.  We are spiritual beings...making light of that doesn't remove the fact.  When God separated himself from a part of himself... there was a time of darkness.
I don't know what that's like being a mortal, but I believe I'm made in the image of God and loosing an unborn baby feels like loosing a piece of yourself and is most definitely a break in communion with another soul.  There is a time of darkness.  Accepting that and not seeing it as a character flaw of mine was, and is, very settling.

Wishing you all a very very joy filled Christmas and looking forward to the New Year (and Spring)...
    
signature1 photo signature1_zps2d44e4ca.jpg

7 comments:

Ashton said...

Thanks for sharing that, An. It's so good to hear your heart. Call me anytime if you want to "brood"...about the baby or about winter or about anything. I don't mind a bit.:)

L, Ann and boys said...

I love you Ash :) I know you truly mean that you'll listen to me for 2 hours... ;)

sarah.flyingkites said...

Aww, loved your thoughts & honesty. Thanks for sharing.

And what a beautiful family pic!

smw said...

I haven't thought you have been broody on here. I think everything you are expressing makes so much sense. I hope (and pray) that the cloud lifts soon for you and that the peace you have regarding your emotions remains.

emilykate said...

Excited to reconnect with you soon. Hope this season of processing can be good for you... and yes, beautiful family pic!

Amber said...

Andrea - I haven't read blogs in ages and just peeked in tonight. And Reading this I had to comment. We are two years into the loss of our little guy and the clouds still hit...I have said losses like ours forever tilt your world a little bit and I have stopped apologizing for when it hits and decided to embrace fully how my perspective, my sight and my heart have been forever changed...and even how that changes seasons and holidays. God's grace is in all of it as I know you know. But I just had to let you know I ache for your loss and will say a prayer as you cross my heart in this coming year as you face new milestones and new holidays. So thankful for A God who promises this broken world isn't the end! Hugs.

L, Ann and boys said...

awww, Amber, I'll be thinking of you too and said a prayer for you. Thanks for the encouragement and sweet comment.