Tuesday, July 3, 2012

mini memoir II... putting on a wet suit

If you order a wet suit for a tri race...you hope you'll look like this:
As reality sinks in...I realized I favor this little cutie much more than the guy above...and that wasn't the only problem
So I ordered an intro level suit (Orca) that wouldn't break the bank.  The promise was a streamlined swim with the major bonus of being more buoyant.  My hopes mounted as I waited for it to arrive.  The first fitting took forever because I have pretty long nails and was paranoid I would tear the outer layer making it un-returnable.  5 minutes later, after much effort gingerly pulling and pinching little bits of fabric up at a time with the pads of my fingers...I had the bottom part on.  I think I started to feel overheated at this point.  The sensation was like a super tight + thick trash bag suctioned to my legs.  I got the top pulled up and over my shoulders and pulled the zipper cord up.  Symptoms of claustrophobia began instantaneously.  The neck of the suit was so tight that my blood vessels were showing on the sides of my neck after about 20 seconds and I was flushing red up to my ears.  I had the urge to grab a pair of scissors and cut the thing off but tried to breath slowly...maybe it was something you had to get used to.  I walked around my room trying to acclimate;  I took a look at myself in the full length mirror-this is when I realized I looked like a penguin.  It didn't make me want to get used to the suit and I thought about the scissor option again.  I started to pull on the neckline of the suit with that expression you see on a poor guy in a tight neck collar in hot weather.  I couldn't handle it longer than about four minutes.  I stripped that thing off like it was on fire once I gave up the fight and breathed in some very nice full breaths.

I called customer service for a return authorization number.  He tried to tell me it was a sensation I would get used to.  I told him reduced levels of oxygen to my brain was not something I wanted to get used to whether it was the suit or my own mental problem causing it.  He gave me the return number.

If I ever wear a wet suit...I'll have scissors close by just in case...      

4 comments:

Aubrey said...

Pictures!! ;)

Mindy said...

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Sarah said...

hilarious! Love the way you write!

Ashton said...

Yes, I agree with Aubrey. I want to see pictures of you in the penguin suit.:)